Meghan's Journal

what does he want?
what the fuck do i keep doing wrong? no matter what i do or what i say joe can find fault with it. i dont do anything right. i ruin everything. i should just be killed i guess. hes so fucking worried about having another relationship that isnt good, hes making this one. he tells me he doesnt like it when im in a bad mood but hes allowed to be. he tells me he doesnt like it when im depressed but hes allowed to be. he tells me he doesnt like the way i act but he acts exactly like me. hes allowed to tell stories about jenna and jenn but if i bring up aaron or justin im satan and a whore. i try so fucking hard to make him happy. i go so far out of my fucking way but it doesnt matter. if it doesnt go exactly his way then no good will come out of it. i fucking buy tickets for ozzfest. i stand in line i pay and its march. he knows for four months that we are going. he starts to pull the blah blah i dont have money blah im not going to have a good time shit. is it not enough that i paid for 94%? am i supposed to feel bad that he didnt say money from either his grandmother or any of the jobs he has had? im giving up. im to tired to even fight it most of the time. whatever he wins. hes right. i am the bad one and im the one that keeps fucking up

Current Mood: apathetic

just beam me up
im tired. the past few days have been really hard. its like i felt so bad i started to get sick from it. my body just wanted to shut down all together. i dont blame it. if i was my body i would give up to. between swallowing scissors and eating glass i cant find time to take care of myself. i hate this time of the day. most people are sleeping well not on a saturday night but i didnt go anywhere tonight anyway most people are sleeping and even though im tired i cant give up yet. my body has to learn that im in charge not it. i hate philly. i really do. god i hate philly. i want to go there with inspect repelent and just spray everyone and make them all disappear.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: ginger growling/breathing/choaking

it gets better

take the death quiz.

and go to mewing.net. laura = great.

wow. even my computer is telling me to commit suicide.

i just want to fucking die
tonight was so horrible with joe. every fucking thing i did brought him down. he said he wants to give up. i dont blame him. i gave up a long time ago. everyone does. im just one of those people who was supposed to be aborted. i wasnt supposed to be born. it was a mistake. someone should just murder me. im on borrowed time now and i just keep fucking up.

Current Mood: apathetic

I should of made you leave your key
Friday Joe decided he had to go to walmart and he couldnt go to the one in Burlington he had to go to the one where Jen works in Lumberton. He probably cheated on me I just wanted to make sure its somewhere with the date so it was the 10th. anyway i dont know what the fuck im doing. i need to get my life together. its one month until graduation and i still havent decided on school. i dont care. i gave up on everything. everything gave up on me

Current Mood: apathetic

its getting hot in here
today at lunch i went and took money out of the mac machine because justin owed it to me and when i asked how much money he had he said there wasnt any in the bank and when i got home he brought me a tape over. it was hard to see him. he looked weird because he had on his thugged out silver chain. at times he acted like a bitch. after he left and through out the whole day i kept questioning whether or not i did the right thing. he cheated. that should be the end. he did a lot for me but i wouldnt be able to trust him. even though me and joe have sex like everyday it was hard when he told me he kissed some whore named alley. it still hurts. i still care about him but he crushed me. joes been pissing me off. he just finds every little way to piss me off. i dont know. sometimes i think that is going to work forever and other times like now i get so sick of his "im a fuck up" act i dont want to talk to him. i miss him though. its been about 17 mins since i talked to him and i already miss him. sometimes it seems like he understands so much but if he did there is so much he wouldnt do. im tired.

Current Mood: cranky

to find a level on a higher level
i saw so much this weekend. me and joe went to new york. its so weird how here everyone knows everyone and there you arent important at all. oh and i got ozzfest tickets. i was in line with these weird ass people. they made me want to not go. anyway and we saw homeless people and they were laughing to themselves and taking shit out of the garbage. it was great. i dont want to be homeless but they having nothing and for some of them thats fine. they're happy doing whatever whether its eating trash or stealing soda from the chinese deli. on friday me and joe went to ians house and i didnt want to go in because of his mom and shit like that but joe wanted to and ian said his mom wouldnt be home. we go in there and ian leaves us upstairs and his mom comes home. she said something like she didnt want people in her house and the note she put on her door which said "do not come in unless i (michelle binlif) give you permission otherwise stay the fuck out of my house..." or some shit like that. she put the word fuck on her front door. some people amaze me so much. im being distracted by eric talking about korn because thats more money im going to spend that i dont have. i feel like i saw so much and today i did nothing but like eat smoke go to target smoke go to the park have sex smoke get a slurpee then have sex again and i was happy with that.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: rape me

i spent most of the day today with joe. my grandmom felt the reason to tell me to come home by 11:30. she does this every year around this time. joe was going to sleep over but i took him home. i would like it if he could sleep over for a few hours then be able to go home so i can sleep more than 2 hours then waking up to make sure gmom didnt walk in but whatever. its to much of a hassel to sneak him in and out. tonight we had sex at the park in the parking lot. at first it didnt hit me but wow. we had sex right there. just out in the open. it was so weird. as soon as i got back into my seat a cop pulled up. if we would of been there 30 seconds earlier we would of gotten caught.

Current Mood: content

an adult?
my dad had jodi call a few days ago because he cant do it himself and he said the phone bill was $110 and he had it shut off. not only did he have it shut off he reported it as stolen so i would have to buy a brand new phone. fuck him. hes such an ass. today he sent me a card with the bill saying "hope you're more responsible now that you are an adult". i dont want to be an adult. oh my god right now im a kid. in three days ill be an adult. ill be considered an adult. im not a kid anymore. fuck

Current Mood: worried

just beam me up
today after i fought with joe non stop i saw him and after that i called justin and he was over pedros house. the same pedro he talked shit about for 6 months. when he said he was there i felt the need to ruin that. i know i could of if i really wanted to. i dont know. hes getting back to how his life used to be. i have everything i want right now. i have joe i got into pace im getting a new car but im not happy all the time. when im not with joe im not happy. sometimes even when i am with joe im not happy. something is missing. i know justin is being brainwashed by pedro and janine. whatever. hes a fucking loser. hes the one that fucked up. i want to lead him on just to fuck him over but i cant do that anymore. thats to fucked up. i dont want anything to do with him but i dont want him to forget me or what i did for him. i worked to hard to just have him throw that away. hes going to end up fucking his life up. he doesnt have money or a car. pretty soon he wont have a job. then whats he going to do? that would be it he wouldnt have anything left. i have to figure out what i want to do about college. i want to get the fuck out of here but i dont want to leave. i know if i dont get out now i wont ever get out. im tired and i miss joe. ive gotten so attached to him. theres something about him that like sucks me in. i dont know what it is though

Current Mood: drained

sometimes i think that me and joe are going to be together for a long time and other times like now i dont think its going to work. if he would understand that a relationship is give and take it would be so much easier. he doesnt understand that things cant go his way all the time and it pisses me off

i took off thursday and friday of spring break to hang out with mel and i was like what are you doing for your birthday and she was like im probably doing something with steph and them but you can do something with us if you want and i was like no its ok ditch your bestfriend since 5th grade for your bestfriend since september and she gathered all her shit and i was like where are you going and she was like im leaving youre being a fucking cunt so i saw her in the hall like two periods later and she was crying i was like oh jesus christ and she told me i just dont get it and i never will. whatever she pisses me off so fucking much sometimes. and joe has been pissing me off because i told him it makes me sick when guys wear sandals so of course he wears them to piss me off. whatever fuck them both

Current Mood: bitchy

how fucked things can be
i havent written in a while but since the last time i wrote things have gotten really weird with everyone. yesterday joe asked me to be with him and when i got home i got a message from my nanny who has only been home for a day about how she heard that i was seeing joe and she freaked out about it because shes heard shit about him and i said something to my grandmom about it and she said that joe seemed like trouble. whatever. im gonna do what i want anyway so everyone. justin really pissed me off last night so i told him me and joe were together and now hes begging me not to be with him. hes trying to make all this shit be my fault. its not. hes the one who fucking cheated. hes the one that lied for 10 months. none of this is my fault. anyway a few days ago i told my dad that i needed $500 to reserve a room for pace and he told me he wasnt going to give me any money until i can find out how much financal aid i can get. all this fucking stress has given me a fucking migraine. fuck

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: korn

and again i get fucked over
today jesse told me that joe fucked some girl on saturday night. i could careless that he fucked someone but he fucking told me he didnt and thats the only reason we had sex. hes fucking morally wrong. you dont fuck a girl one day then the next day someone else. you just dont fucking do it. i feel fucking dirty and used

Current Mood: dirty

maybe we can be friends
ok to make a long long story short last night joe was over, justin was driving by my house and saw my car out then climbed up on the roof and saw that a guy was in there and knocked on the window. i denied it. this morning he called me at 7 seeing if i wanted to go out to breakfast i said call me in an hour and i took joe home. justin was fucking watching my house and saw us leave. he then went to 295 to see if i was taking nick home. at first i was telling him it was eric and then he got all weird and admitted being up on the roof for a while. he doesnt understand that this is stalking me. so we went out to eat and i felt guilty and told him that it was joe and we had sex. he just looked at me. i dont feel bad at all now because if he didnt smother me so much i wouldnt be forced to try and escape that. i cannot have him calling me all day and begging to come over and when he is over not wanting to leave and wanting to know where i am every fucking second of the day. its to much. i feel like im in jail. hes doing this and its making me not love him as much as i used to.

Current Mood: frustrated

why do i even bother?
mel called me today and she hurt her ankle at STEPH'S house. if she wasnt there 24/7 she wouldnt of hurt herself. i want to borrow some of her clothes this weekend so i asked when she was going to be home so i could stop by and she said by 8 and she'd call me. so 8:30 comes and i dropped sheeb off and she didnt call so i called her and she was pulling up to her house with STEPH and they got food and were going to eat it at mels. me and justin get food and bring it home. i starting to think she's gay. she acts the same way about stephanie like i do about justin. its sad. i feel bad for her. she is like obsessed with her. at first i was kind of jealous but now im scared. i just want to borrow her shit then be done. im sick of it. if she is going to act like this then fuck her. like ive said a million times it would be different if she was ditching me for a guy but not another girl. thats just plain sad.

Current Mood: frustrated

even Samantha gets cheated on. where will it end? if people cheat on sex and the city then ill never be safe. never. oh and i think justin went through my shit again

fuck
im bored out of my mind. i felt like shit so i didnt go to work yesterday or today. last night stephen imed me and he was all nice and shit and told me to call him today. i dont think it was him. im not going to call. i dont feel like putting up with his mood swings. its to much. im so fucking bored. i dont want to go to the gym because i had it in my head i wasnt going tonight and i told justin i was going because he was being boring and he called back and that pissed me the fuck off. now im bored and pissed off.

Current Mood: bored

inside i'm fucked
some girl emailed justin. i asked if he ever got with her and he said no. then he said he got with her two years ago. i thought ever included two years ago but i guess i was wrong. he is hiding something from me. maybe i just want him to so i have a reason to break up with him. i have a headache and im getting sick

Current Mood: sick

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